Twice last week I found my heart gripped in terror. Once was a gals dinner out. I racked my brain, trying to come up with a good reason, excuse, to not go. I could not come up with one. I hesitantly went. It was fun and I was happy I had gone.
The second time was not so successful. Warm weather had decided to grace us with her presence. My husband, all filled with excitement, said “Let’s go outside and be neighborly!!!” Several of our neighbors were out. My heart screamed “NOOO!!!!!” After taking as long as possible changing my cloths and grabbing several projects that required the outdoors to be accomplished, I dragged my butt into the backyard. By this time all the neighbors had gone inside.
Those were my clues.
The walls were finding their way back around my fragile heart. I had taken them down before. I had opened my heart to people. I had learned the beauty of being vulnerable. The healing power within it. Then the inevitable happened, they left. The moved. Far away. We moved. Not super far, but far enough to be in an entirely new community. The walls had come back up and I didn’t even realize they were there.
My heart is more afraid of the abandonment in being vulnerable, than it is of being hurt again. My heart comes up with excuses to justify the walls. It says that my story is heavy and a bit of a mood killer. It says that people will just leave again. It says that it’s just too much to burden others with. It says I can’t keep people from hurting me, but I can keep them from leaving me. It says I’m in control. It lies.
I have been trying to process this myself. This weekend I was forced to start to outwardly process this. I finally allowed Jesus into the conversation. He had a lot to say. He told me that the truth is my story is worth being shared, being heard. The truth is there are people around me who want my heart to be known. Truth is I am not starting from ground zero. Truth is I have already started. Truth is my story is filled with joy and redemption and not sorrow and pain. Truth is I am loved, even if I can’t always see it. Especially when I can’t see it.