I’ve had two moments recently that made me stop. Made everything around me go a little blurry and lose myself in those moments.
The first was reflecting back five months to 2 things God had asked of my husband and I. The first request was that I quit my job and go back to working at Crossroads. The other request came in April. Leave the church we loved so much and go to a completely new place, where we knew one person.
I don’t mind change, so long as it works within my comfort zone.
To make a long story short, we did obey both things. At the time they seemed small-ish. Nothing life changing or crazy. How I was wrong.
I have had a perspective change, because of obedience in those two things. The change has been my perspective of my past. Some of you know parts of my life. The heartache of a broken home. The heartache of a childhood of abuse. I had bought into lies of shame and guilt, of worthlessness, of loneliness, and so much more.
I have found myself at a very new level of openness, vulnerability, and healing in my life. I have found people who have been where I have been. Some are further along in the journey than I and some are not. How incredibly beautiful is that?!!! Through my husband, who seriously is amazing, and these two new communities “my mind is being blown” to quote a friend. I have been with and around these people for 2 months and I have been able to open up faster and more than ever before. I have been able to share my story and my hurts and the lies that I believe about myself. I have found love and grace. I have also found truth. Beautiful truth, that my past is not baggage or crap, it’s stuff and it’s ok to have stuff. It’s actually great to have stuff.
I know you’re dying to know what the second moment was.
It was a quote…
Upon realizing the gospel for the first time, one woman said “I know why I want my morality to save me. If I’m saved by good works, then like a taxpayer, I have rights. I’ve paid into the system and God owes me a good and decent life. And there is a limit to what the Father can ask of me. But if I’m saved by sheer grace, then my life belongs entirely to the Father, he owes me nothing, and there is no limit to what he can ask of me.”
Still, hours after hearing it, there is this stopping to attempt to soak that in.
I have been saved by sheer grace. On the cross Jesus said “It is finished.” The debt had been paid. There was nothing more that I or anyone else could do to pay the debt.
The debt has been PAID.IN.FULL.
How willing am I to live in obedience with the last part of that sentence? To be very honest, not extremely. More often than not I find myself fighting, arguing, or negotiating along the way. I’ve found myself in a small group with some really amazing people. One is a semi-new Christian. She is sweet and wonderful. Full of questions I would never think to ask. Questions she asks without fear of judgment and questions she asks until she understands, even if it takes a while. She has this crazy awesome desire to soak everything up and constantly says “I don’t know about all this other stuff, I’m just saying that Jesus is my dude.” Gosh, how I love it! It’s so final and how it should be.
That last sentence is true. Now to stop fighting and surrender, which has proved to be much sweeter than the fight.
“My life belongs entirely to the Father, he owes me nothing, and there is
no limit to what he can ask of me.”